Celebrating Jamhuri: Are We a Republic Yet?

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Celebrating Jamhuri: Are We a Republic Yet?

It is 7AM and really dark outside(because my eyes are closed) when I hear a distant swish, mighty like that of a giant fish character in a Piranha movie, and something hits the window with a thud similar to the original Ben 10 hitting the ground after powers desert him.

I pop out of bed as some Jack-in-the-Box, throwing away the quilt, and scamper towards the window but my left foot lands in a sufuria and I get a forced flight to the wall which I dig with my forehead.

Eating Jamhuri Silently

I hear a notification tone from my phone and I abort my mission to the window. Eyes still closed. I reach for my phone and hold it up to my face. I can see the bright light with my eyes closed but no way am I taking the suicidal move of opening my eyes.

What if it is M-Pesa? Yes, what if it is M-Pesa? I don't need a pat to open my eyes because money is so delicate... Nkt! I see an SMS swimming on the status bar:

“Buda, kwani umeamua kukula Jamhuri kimyakimya? Zitakunyonga mzeiyah(literally: Boss, you've decided to eat Jamhuri silently?; they will choke you, man)!”

It is then that I remember I am Kenyan. That a doctors' strike has just happened with doctors demanding salary increment. That recently Waiguru and Kabura stole billions supposed to help Kenyan youth. That the billions were carried in sacks like potatoes(instead of being carried in an ambulance like cocaine).

Billions! Let's do some mathematics. I know that there are about 50 million Kenyans. But let's assume that there are 100 million Kenyans who can think straight... One billion equals 1000 million. 5 Billion got lost(according to the records; we don't know what's not in the records). If each sane Kenyan was to start a government-sponsored business project worth 1 Million, then we'd use 100 million only. The rest 4.9 Billion Waiguru and Kabura can use for breakfast!

That's how I fail mathematics! For me to be rich, you must be poor(not bad, that's a C). For me to be a tycoon, you must be a pauper(very good, straight A)! We don't want inflation kicking in, you know!

Now, I'm not against Uhuru Kenyatta as president or William Ruto becoming the next president in 2022. I'm not against Raila Odinga becoming the next president next year. I'm not against you(no matter your skin colour) becoming the next president of Kenya this afternoon.

Our Leadership

It has reached a point when Kenya should open her eyes and see. Corruption is not a today's issue. In fact it's an independence day issue. The lords of independence turned into the lords of graft immediately the white man left us. Why should one own land equal to the former Nyanza Province while the average Kenyan has got no single inch of land to squat in? And that's documented land(still, we don't know what's not in the documents).

We complained when Daniel Moi was president, we cried that Kibaki is mean and now we weep that Uhuru is corrupt. We forget that we could have written dirges on our stomachs during Jomo Kenyatta's era. Only that we feared disappearing without notice.

If corruption started today, then who can account for the MIA political leaders like Tom Mboya? He died because a bee entered his car making him drive carelessly, right? Let's not get into assassination debates.

What We Brag of

What ails Kenya? Selfishness. We want it all to ourselves. Sometimes I wish the colonial master stayed a little longer and the Union Jack teased our air till 2000. We could have survived with white toilets and black toilets. Look at South Africa! Then look at the mess we're in!

We've got very little to brag of... A national football team that is more of a dummy, a rugby team that used to win, athletes that used to scoop gold, silver and bronze all at once and rumours of changing the education system.

All in all, Happy 52nd Jamhuri Day tomorrow!!! My land is Kenya and hakuna matata. We have Obama!

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